ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.