I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.