I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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