my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My bed smells like the plague
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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