He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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