That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
