I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
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I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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