you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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