He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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