the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
