Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
