I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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