i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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