Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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