Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
