I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized