In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
