dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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