does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
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At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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