how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
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So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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