i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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