I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
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I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line