wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.