does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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