My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
