i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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