OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub