I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.