On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
this boner is exhausting
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.