its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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