Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
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now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
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I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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