oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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