Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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