im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
