Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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