I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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