Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
