I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You left your phone here
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