Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize