I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
