A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
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REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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