Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
