Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We got so high we made milksteak
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.