if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
time to smoke my breakfast
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.