I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
