i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
