So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
