I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
