I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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