Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
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Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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