i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
