I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
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You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.