I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
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I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
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The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize