The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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