My liver just broke up with me...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
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If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
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classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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